Sometimes

Sometimes, I know who I am. I am the strong confident man that knew himself, to the point of stubbornness. I am the man who could comprehend all the philosophical theologies in the world, and argue with you about it. I am the man who helps you if you are my friend, to the point of death, even in betrayal, just because I genuinely do care and I stick to my principles. I am the man who fights God, to find truth, truth that is satisfactory to me. Not because I am stubborn, but because I know God can make it so. I am His. That is who I am.

Sometimes, I don't. I don't know what happened to my confidence. It was shattered so quickly and so dismissively. Like a flicker of light. A glass swan. I don't know why I discarded all my knowledge. Why ignorance was bliss. Why I felt feeling feeling was fantastic. Flimsy. Frail. Flatulent. I didn't see the point in being honorable. In being, loyal... People do not justify it. They are greedy, selfish men. Advantageous only in what they want they pretend to eat out of the palm of your hand in the hopes they swallow your arm and devour your leg. Pathetic. Ponzi. Pain. My hand grips at my chest, soiled, scarred, singed.  I don't fight with God anymore. Because I couldn't care less. What He does to me. If He puts me in hell so be it. It does not matter to me anymore. Do what you will. I do not care about Job or Paul or Peter. I am none of them. You win. Strike your thunderbolt and be done with it. Hurt. Hard. Had. I am still His. That has not changed. It seems not a blessing right now though. More a curse. Perhaps I will see differently in time. I don't know who I AM.