I feel down. The feeling you have been knocked out by a sucker punch to the gut. I feel disconnected, demotivated, empty. I want to cry. I really do. But what good would that do me. It would serve me no greater purpose other than to prove to my oppressors of my weakness and supposed ingenuity. I wish I could excrete my sadness in it's brave form, yet this tiny insignificant blog should suffice. My not being voted into that damned council for the sake of my even more damned pride has crushed me to the core. I feel demoted from society. As if my presence among men is to remain unnoticed and silent without emotion except my very self. I fear I might one day become quite mad with the feelings boiled and bottled down here. It seethes inside the body, corroding the innocence of mind and purity of heart. The only thing that could curdle the cream even more so is the fact that several idiots who do not deserve to be in the council are there. It is a mere popularity contest. Of which I have obviously conceded. And no one knows the wiser. I am lonely surely, and almost certain to always be so. To want the very praise of men, empty recognition to savor, for that temporary feeling of wholesomeness. That is the life I am doomed to want but never receive. Perhaps that is also for the better. And for all the good it has done, my Lord is an invisible God of single presence and comforts me, yet still alone. He created woman yet left men to suffer an even worser fate, segregation. Does it make sense? Can any be happy about it? I do not seem to be...

Do not daft and utterly proud of yourself. You are nothing, a mere speck in another's eye. What could you do to catch their attention? What could you say in your helpless defense? That God is your help and only medal? Your scholarship rests in philosophical thinking, questionable and unmeasured. Even younger men have done better than you. Why do you think so highly of yourself? Does it give you security and comfort? Or would you rather crouch sulkily in self pity? Such is the emotion you feel now. Such is the maturity you have achieved towards women. You think you understand them. Yet you do not lift a finger to change oneself in order to suit them. Though the time and place change, you are still the same character, proud and ignorant. Even the Great Wall is more moveable than you. Can anyone help you but yourself? The Creator of the Universe could not help you for your stiff-necked attitude. Nor could the warmest friend light up your cold fortitude...

Alas my friend, do not fret.

Calm yourself like Christ calmed the storm.

Time is still on your side yet,

neither pride nor emotion can be undone.

Tis time to grow up, an adult, and be like one.

Slow the heart behind the mind,

in order to put reason before emotion.

Decide yourself firmly the change within the person.

Do so quickly, before you forget, and lose and regret.

Climb the hills and dig the trenches,

Be brave enough to extend your ground,

Beat down mockers and prove those wretches

That you are worth that trumpet's sound.

This last advice i give you, friend,

Do not long for things out of reach,

But chase them seriously till the end,

Practice the talk you loudly preach,

Prove to yourself as the curtain descends.

The mind is a very curious thing. It sways like the wind, directionless and without aim. Neither God nor Satan can control it, only persuade it. The control lies only in the individual, who, whether by genius or foolishness wrestles against it for the time one remains on this earth. Some claim to have mastered the mind, yet live a life drifting in the sea of the in between. Yet others who say it is a wild beast, not meant to be tamed but be controlled by it. It shares powers with the will, that so determine the desires of man. Therefore, these drunkards gorge themselves in pleasure, only to find the very life lambasted by chaos.

What is wrong with you O mind? What so angers you that drives the person mad with rage and depression? What is the void that so suckers the vengefulness of your melancholic wanting? How can I stop you! Be rid of me you pest. Shall live my life a zombie, without you to end my misery?! What is it with the mind that I should gain utmost control? Or illusion of the mind to give me false security? To death be with you! You along with the cronies you call the will. Why should humankind be made with you? That God should suffer the consequence of disobedience from your mischief? Neither Element nor wizardry could stop you. So I stand seemingly, defenseless against your puppetry.

Oh the Lord, help me. You who are the Creator of man, who once also created the will of His image. Could you offer a defense against the snake? Of which control is out of my reach? Even Paul says that the mind brings forth opposites from his actions that he cannot control. What more do you want from man that he had already lost the battle of the sin and so forfeit his life because of the monster which is the will? What more do you want?!!! So i could i have claimed it wrong? Is it false that I should say these things? The enigma that demands a solution. A question that demands an answer. You, O LORD, are the master above all things answer me. Answer me. Answer me.

But mom, I don't want to stay bersih.

I have been reading the recent news on the Bersih Movements and am deeply mournful for the injustice to this Country. Such upheaval! Such drama for a "noble" cause! I questioned the sincerity of this rally formerly. How could such physically and seemingly uncouth behavior hope to achieve anything?

Nevertheless, I am believer of fairness and justice. Who wouldn't be? Right? Wrong.

Our dear government spewed all forms of nonsense today ( 7th July 2011). Bersih is still a illegal government? Yellow shirted people will still be arrested? No stadium for a peaceful protest? Really?! I was convinced everything was over! I am sorely disappointed with the government. Any rational person should. What is wrong with voicing out an idea in a stadium?! I just can't get it.

To top off my disappointment, police are blockading the roads to deter a seemingly now peaceful demonstration. To my horror, traffic jams are expected for days, shops are willing to close and tourists want to avoid another thailand incident. I thought the government was going to help? Guess not... sigh...

I was reading Isaiah 36 today. About a king praying for deliverance in a time of siege and a losing war. I want to go to the rally now. But I will be praying hard for this country as well.

When worlds fall and justice cease

When worlds fall or justice cease,

When ideas shrink and imagination runs dry,

What man could we possibly turn?

Where findeth the love and calming peace?

Pass the seven seas and nations wide,

Pass the skies above and depths below,

Who has it? How can one so obtain?

The fulfillment now a thorn in man's side.

Resolving the paths of righteous living,

Testing the thorough scientific roads,

Yet left twisted and confused,

Leaving the impatient hopeless with nothing.

I am the way, the truth and the life,

It is not hard to comprehend,

Be patient and just believe

And then your life will truly begin

Where is the love, the transcending peace?

That brightens the troubled dawn,

It is Jesus, the Christ!

When worlds fall and justice cease.

Try, try again

The past few weeks have been really frustrating, like a music piece you just cannot seem to play because of a certain note or chord. In the end, you scream at the music sheet and point at those dots saying, "DIE!". Or at least, that is how I feel. Why? Simply put, I feel pathetic.

Through the weeks, I learnt many things about life. I learnt what is it like to be stuck in a vicious working cycle. I learnt what you decide can have immense consequences. I even learnt that I am Ted Mosby type boring! But do you know what frustrates me? It's the knowledge of God's love for me. After I came back from bible school recently, my spiritual discipline has been a ship lost at sea, tossed about by the rough waves. Yet God has not stopped showing me the way back to the right path. I am frustrated that God can love me for some of the things I have done, yet frustrated that i could not have done better for Him. I keep trying to hit the right chord everytime and I disappoint myself all the same. Somehow though, God is not even half as frustrated as i am. He seems to just give me a hug and say, "...try try again. The very fact you're trying shows I am with you and that you do love me and I love you". I cannot fully explain the peace that follows only perhaps give you feel of it. It's like a shower in the rain after the immense heat wave, refreshing. It is invigorating.

Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But 1 thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Try, try, again.

Bloody day!!!

"I WANT YOUR BLOOD!!!!"

Now THAT is what they should put for a blood donation campaign. Lols. Seriously, today was the probably the weirdest day of my life. Why? I think it might be the quirky mixture of emotions running through me today. It starts with lots of nervousness, followed by 2 quarts of OMG!!! A few spoonfuls of WHEEE!!!! a very serious dose of death, and finally a hint of "Yes! its over!". Come to think of it, its not the weirdest day of my life after all... hee...

I would never imagine donating blood would be so... so... stressful. First off, there was the long wait to be screened. When your nervous like me, the screening process is as good as finding out if your going to die. Turns out I did, but more of that later. I was waiting with Shuen, supposedly my bloody buddy, to get screened as we watched some of them getting hooked up. To tell you the truth, the people there were quite nice. So not the vampire like I NEED BLOOD type, thank goodness. Anyways, I found out I am A blood type, nice and healthy, and ready to dii, I mean donate... 3BAGS OF BLOOD!!!

Now, after screening, I went to the donating section to donate. But the seats were all filled, so I had to wait. And I can tell you, that is SOO not fun... I wanted to get it over with at this point, but noooo... I had to WATCH!! Watch the tubes and the blood and the flowing... Ugh, suddenly I don't feel so fresh... When it was finally my turn ( thank God!), I lay out my right hand (I'm a leftie) the nurse swabbed my arm and stuck a needle in. I thought, " whew, it's in." Then she took it out. I was stunned! What? That wasn't the real one? Turns out, that was the anti-coagulant! Then she stuck a something the size of a ball pump needle into my arm!!! Outwardly, I was relieved it was in. Inwardly, I was yelling "argh!!!". After a while the nurse noticed I was squeezing the pipe too tightly and told me to relax or else it would hurt... NOW she tells me...

When I calmed down from that nutty ordeal, I resumed to my normal self to talk to Gabriel a bit and posed for a few pictures ( that were that many taking pictures). A few minutes later, Shuen, my bloody buddy began her turn right next to me. She was so much calmer than I was and fascinated. Put me to shame really. She chatted away while I suddenly felt rather sleepy...

At my third packet of blood I was feeling extremely tired, then my eyes shut themselves up tight and i could hardly open them. My needle was pushing against my skin and I felt dizzy. The nurse noticed my reaction and asked if I was dizzy. I could barely murmur an answer. She swiftly removed my needle, patched up my wound after which I fell asleep on the donor chair.

I heard Shuen murmuring something like don't wake him, then "thud". Lisa whacked my head. Oh okay, she didn't whack my head, but it felt pretty close. I opened my eyes and the first thing Lisa says is I look like a GHOST. A white sheet. etc etc etc. I was skeptical until I looked at my hands. If Micheal Jackson was white, I was his brother. I got off the chair, my feet flying on the floor. The rest was pretty blur because well... I don't remember really... Just that I woke up in the first aid room thats all...

Basically I lost too much blood, who takes 3 bags of blood from a 50kilo kid anyways? What's more, Su rong said I was a weak girl... Oh whatever... So... who wants to go for the NEXT BLOOD DONATION?