The mind is a very curious thing. It sways like the wind, directionless and without aim. Neither God nor Satan can control it, only persuade it. The control lies only in the individual, who, whether by genius or foolishness wrestles against it for the time one remains on this earth. Some claim to have mastered the mind, yet live a life drifting in the sea of the in between. Yet others who say it is a wild beast, not meant to be tamed but be controlled by it. It shares powers with the will, that so determine the desires of man. Therefore, these drunkards gorge themselves in pleasure, only to find the very life lambasted by chaos.

What is wrong with you O mind? What so angers you that drives the person mad with rage and depression? What is the void that so suckers the vengefulness of your melancholic wanting? How can I stop you! Be rid of me you pest. Shall live my life a zombie, without you to end my misery?! What is it with the mind that I should gain utmost control? Or illusion of the mind to give me false security? To death be with you! You along with the cronies you call the will. Why should humankind be made with you? That God should suffer the consequence of disobedience from your mischief? Neither Element nor wizardry could stop you. So I stand seemingly, defenseless against your puppetry.

Oh the Lord, help me. You who are the Creator of man, who once also created the will of His image. Could you offer a defense against the snake? Of which control is out of my reach? Even Paul says that the mind brings forth opposites from his actions that he cannot control. What more do you want from man that he had already lost the battle of the sin and so forfeit his life because of the monster which is the will? What more do you want?!!! So i could i have claimed it wrong? Is it false that I should say these things? The enigma that demands a solution. A question that demands an answer. You, O LORD, are the master above all things answer me. Answer me. Answer me.

But mom, I don't want to stay bersih.

I have been reading the recent news on the Bersih Movements and am deeply mournful for the injustice to this Country. Such upheaval! Such drama for a "noble" cause! I questioned the sincerity of this rally formerly. How could such physically and seemingly uncouth behavior hope to achieve anything?

Nevertheless, I am believer of fairness and justice. Who wouldn't be? Right? Wrong.

Our dear government spewed all forms of nonsense today ( 7th July 2011). Bersih is still a illegal government? Yellow shirted people will still be arrested? No stadium for a peaceful protest? Really?! I was convinced everything was over! I am sorely disappointed with the government. Any rational person should. What is wrong with voicing out an idea in a stadium?! I just can't get it.

To top off my disappointment, police are blockading the roads to deter a seemingly now peaceful demonstration. To my horror, traffic jams are expected for days, shops are willing to close and tourists want to avoid another thailand incident. I thought the government was going to help? Guess not... sigh...

I was reading Isaiah 36 today. About a king praying for deliverance in a time of siege and a losing war. I want to go to the rally now. But I will be praying hard for this country as well.

When worlds fall and justice cease

When worlds fall or justice cease,

When ideas shrink and imagination runs dry,

What man could we possibly turn?

Where findeth the love and calming peace?

Pass the seven seas and nations wide,

Pass the skies above and depths below,

Who has it? How can one so obtain?

The fulfillment now a thorn in man's side.

Resolving the paths of righteous living,

Testing the thorough scientific roads,

Yet left twisted and confused,

Leaving the impatient hopeless with nothing.

I am the way, the truth and the life,

It is not hard to comprehend,

Be patient and just believe

And then your life will truly begin

Where is the love, the transcending peace?

That brightens the troubled dawn,

It is Jesus, the Christ!

When worlds fall and justice cease.

Try, try again

The past few weeks have been really frustrating, like a music piece you just cannot seem to play because of a certain note or chord. In the end, you scream at the music sheet and point at those dots saying, "DIE!". Or at least, that is how I feel. Why? Simply put, I feel pathetic.

Through the weeks, I learnt many things about life. I learnt what is it like to be stuck in a vicious working cycle. I learnt what you decide can have immense consequences. I even learnt that I am Ted Mosby type boring! But do you know what frustrates me? It's the knowledge of God's love for me. After I came back from bible school recently, my spiritual discipline has been a ship lost at sea, tossed about by the rough waves. Yet God has not stopped showing me the way back to the right path. I am frustrated that God can love me for some of the things I have done, yet frustrated that i could not have done better for Him. I keep trying to hit the right chord everytime and I disappoint myself all the same. Somehow though, God is not even half as frustrated as i am. He seems to just give me a hug and say, "...try try again. The very fact you're trying shows I am with you and that you do love me and I love you". I cannot fully explain the peace that follows only perhaps give you feel of it. It's like a shower in the rain after the immense heat wave, refreshing. It is invigorating.

Philippians 3:13-14
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But 1 thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Try, try, again.